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One Cobble at a Time

First day back to routine

Sandra Tayler's Journal

responsible woman

A cobble by itself is just a small stone, but when many of them lay together they create a path . My life is made up of many discrete parts. I have to find ways to fit them all into place so that I can continue to journey where I desire to go. This journal records some of the cobbles that create my path.

First day back to routine

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responsible woman

I stared blearily at the clock. 6:30. It was beeping at me. Oh. That’s right, the kids have school. How do I do school mornings again? I was pretty sure it started by me getting out of bed and stopping the beeps. Thus our new year began with me pulling out memories of how to run school mornings which felt crinkled and ages old.

Thus our new year began. I know that technically the year is already three days old, but I never feel like it is the new year until we’ve re-established our routines. I’m not sure we’ve quite succeeded yet, but the creakiness of the morning has given way to an afternoon that has a familiar shape to it.

The first work week of a new year is always gobbled up by accounting and beginning of the year to-do lists. The deluge of book keeping isn’t depressing me this year because I remembered to expect it. This year I’m also trying to settle new habits of thought into my schedule as well. So far it is working, but I still feel like I’m wearing a cloak of these thoughts rather than residing in them as if they were my skin. I’ll get there.

I hit one of the first challenges to my new frame of mind. Kiki is struggling with her class load this year. Instead of stepping up and getting the work done, she has grown to depend upon me organizing and enforcing work. This pattern was necessary last Fall when she was truly drowning. Lately, she has plenty of time but tends to avoid work until I prod her. Then she gets grouchy at me for reminding her that homework exists in the world even if we don’t want it to. Kiki is aware of the illogic of her behavior. She is honestly sorry even while she flops into a heap of “I can’t do it” and waits for me to make her. I feel frustrated with her, but compelled to keep pushing because I can’t let her short-sightedness damage her long-term future. So we run in little codependent circles which do neither of us any good.

This is where my new parenting focus and new thought patterns helped me. I was able to see the pattern and pick apart the errors in my own thinking. My false thought was this: “If I don’t help her, she’ll fail. Then she’ll feel even more helpless and depressed. It will spiral downward from there.” The truth is that Kiki is stronger and smarter than that. She might fail a little, but then she’ll dust herself off and figure it out. Instead of being her safety net and task master, I need to be her resource which she can tap for help at times of her own choosing. I need to be more hands off. Which frightens me. Because she could choose avoidance and depression instead of work and confidence. Finding the right balance is going to be tricky. The good news is that I can share every one of these thoughts with Kiki. I can tell her exactly what I am trying to accomplish. Together we can find the best balance for us both.

Balance, that is what I’m striving for in this new year. Along with it I want to find measures of peace and joy to go along with the feeling of purpose that carries me forward. The year started creakily, but I think we’ll all limber up and make it a good one.

Mirrored from onecobble.com.

  • Sounds like some of the lessons I learned while training to be a Swordsmanship instructor (for Sal).
    • For some things it is easy for me to stand back and let them fail. It's harder when I can see potentially huge long-term consequences.
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